I am a constant projection machine. Being touched doubtless is impossible.

 * * *

So this is where my head's been tonight;
enter through the door that reads indulgent pity-party

(which suddenly feels like pitter-patter):

But also

(not also;
instead, symptom within the above):

falling in love with everyone for a few seconds

before one of us makes eye contact (immediate stop)

or turns the corner (immediate nostalgia):

In The Art of Restlessness

(which I've almost finished though I have tried to hold the end forever)

Dean Young writes,

 The impossible is the first necessary condition of any faith.

* * *

If I am doing anything these days,

these days that are tender as curling phone cord around your finger while you talk to someone you love

who is leaving

for good [for good? forever, I mean],

then I am developing the first faith in myself.

* * *

Developing? Ha. O! the lovely subconscious.

* * *

(excerpts from Merriam-Webster's entry on Develop:)

1.

grow or cause to grow and become more mature, advanced, or elaborate.

synonyms:

grow, expand, spread; More advance, progress, evolve, mature; prosper, thrive, flourish, blossom "the industry developed rapidly" initiate, instigate, set in motion; originate, invent, form, establish, generate; productize

• convert (land) to a new purpose by constructing buildings or making other use of its resources.
• construct or convert (a building) so as to improve existing resources.
• elaborate (a musical theme) by modification of the melody, harmony, or rhythm.

  expand, augment, broaden, supplement, reinforce; More enhance, refine, improve, polish, perfect

2.

start
 to exist, experience, or possess.

"a strange closeness developed"

synonyms:

start, begin, emerge, erupt, break out, burst out, arise, break, unfold, happen  "a fight developed" fall ill with, be stricken with, succumb to; contract, catch, get, pick up, come down with, become infected with

3.

treat (a photographic film) with chemicals to make a visible image.

 

* * *

I am starting to erupt. A strange flight developed:
to land by constructing flourish set in motion.

I treat my visible image as a photographic construct.
fall ill with possess talent.

No more stricken with improving existing resources:
rhythm and harmony are chemicals and blossom elaborate.

Initiate more, unvent more, unpolish perfect, succumb to pick up and come down.
I become infected with synonyms.

* * *

And here I am going to quote Dean Young again, from the same book --
at length, in excerpts and with line breaks that aren't his for personal emphasis:

We all look into mirrors and see phantoms.
Our error is our Eros.

Why is there something instead of nothing? The answer is reckless and surreal.
What is this voice inside me that isn't me? [...]

"Are you going to spend your entire life in this world /
Half dead / Half asleep /
Haven't you had enough of commonplaces yet?" (Aragon) 

Each morning we wake with the obligatory liberty to conceptually recreate the world. We fail.
There's some leftover energy from the first big bang still causing trouble. We despair. We try again [...]

The signal fades in and out, it is only intermittent,
but our art may mark it, 

not as a tomb, but as a guidepost,
a monument to toppling, a momentum,

a moment of doubtlessness, which is impossible,
of being touched, which is impossible,
genius which is impossible,
being alive, which is impossible. 

* * *

I felt like I could breathe when I read that the first time.
I've read it many time since, read it to a stranger and a not-stranger too.

That breath, which was impossible, that made a space for faith to enter.

With its cavernous, muddy roots.